I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
