Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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