i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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