Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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