Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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