Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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