Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
