my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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