my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
