my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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