I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
