It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
