im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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