I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
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I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
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He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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