So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
