omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
