1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
