I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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