I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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