i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
