I wish my penis had an off switch
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So apparently I’m into choking now
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