Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
