I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
