I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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