I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
