Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
