Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We had to coat check the pizza.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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