Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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