I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
