I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
