I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
