I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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