Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
