Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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