OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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