Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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