i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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