We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
