The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
