No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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