Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
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Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
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If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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