I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
