The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
