Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
