I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
