I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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