Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
