I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize