I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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