I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
