Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
