End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
They have beer where we have blood.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
