can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
