You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
