Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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