i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
