There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why do cheetos always look like penises
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
