that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
