Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She needs sedatives and a leash
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
