Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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