Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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